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26 October 2008 @ 06:14 pm
Top Gear crackfic; "And they call him Mr Sparkles"  
Title: And they call him Mr Sparkles
Author: Emmy, aka lastinthebox
Pairing: Richard/Stig, Richard/other implied, James/Jeremy implied
Rating: PG-13
Length: 1,860
Warnings: Human Stig, not-so-human Richard, abuse of exclamation points.
Summary: Dedication is showing up to work even after you’ve been turned into a sparkly vampire.
Disclaimer: This story is fictional, completely fictional.
Author Notes: This was written for captlebubbles’s Halloween ficfest. My prompt was Top Gear meets sparkly vampires.





And they call him Mr Sparkles


“And then she sparkled like the sun, and she took me into her arms, and she told me our love would last forever, and then I woke up three days later in a dumpster in Canary Wharf,” Richard finished, in what would have been said in one very large breath, though breathing at this point seemed a bit pointless and a waste of time, quite frankly.

“Wait, wait just one minute,” Jeremy said, holding up a hand, which also seemed a tad senseless, as no one was speaking. “Are you telling me vampires sparkle?”

James eyed Jeremy in poorly concealed disbelief. “I hardly think that’s the real issue here, Jezza.”

“Well, if it was relevant enough for Hammond to mention…”

“For God’s sake, man, I’ve been bitten by a vampire!” Richard yelled, shooting to his feet, sending his chair clattering to the floor.

Jeremy sat up straight as a stunning realisation dawned on him. “Hold on, vampires are real?”

Richard closed his eyes and dropped his head into his cold, undead hands.


*


“So do you have any superhuman abilities?” Jeremy asked over a cup of earl grey.

Richard thought for a moment. “Well, I can see pretty well.”

“Can you fly?”

“Can I what?”

“Fly? Can you fly?”

“I seriously doubt it.”

“Can you scale walls? Read people’s thoughts? Set fires with your mind? Can you see through women’s clothing?”

“Oh, now you’re getting ridiculous,” James said, dry as dust.

Jeremy sighed disappointedly. “Can you do anything extraordinary?”

“Ehm, I don’t have a reflection,” Richard offered up with a watery smile.

“That’s a rubbish super power,” Jeremy huffed and frowned into his paper cup.

“Though it does explain why Hammond’s hair looks so nice today,” James deadpanned.

Jeremy snorted into his tea.


*


Sometime after Jeremy had wandered off, mumbling some nonsense about finding some vampires that can actually fly, a man in white coveralls ambled into the production office and headed straight for the refrigerator. This was no ordinary man in white coveralls; he was the polar opposite of normal. He was from Bristol.

“Hey, Stiggy,” Richard muttered, raising a hand in a half-hearted, no heartbeat, wave.

“Hey, Richard,” the tame racing driver replied. He took a small bottle of water from the fridge and plopped down in the seat Jeremy had since abandoned. “Word on the street’s that you’re a vampire now.”

“Word on the street meaning Jeremy,” Richard said.

“Of course.”

“You seem genuinely unsurprised.”

“Hell, I’m supposed to be green and tentacled and radioactive, and I’m supposed to glow in the dark or some crazy shit like that,” the younger man said. He took a small sip of water. “I’m supposed to be the abnormal one.”

“But you’re none of those things,” Richard said.

The helmetless Stig grinned. “Exactly. But I’m from Bristol.”

Richard blinked, then once more. “I’m not following…”

The driver shrugged, then threw back the rest of his water. “To be honest with you, I’ve no idea what’s going on. I don’t even remember how I got here this morning. The wife ran off with some Italian underwear model last night, so I’ve been hitting the bottle pretty hard. In fact…” he trailed off and reached into his coverall pocket to pull out a small, metal flask. “I brought the party with me. Want some?”

Richard’s stomach rolled at the thought of God knows what could be in that flask. He shook his head. “No thanks, mate.”

“Right, you’re more one of those A positive people now.”

Richard smiled, but couldn’t quite bring himself to laugh along with their tame racing driver, especially not when he could hear the other man’s blood rushing through his veins, not when he could practically taste that metallic cocktail on his tongue.

“’Ey! You all right?”

“Excuse me?”

The younger man leaned back in his chair, eyeing him with a sort of suspicion that made Richard incredibly uncomfortable. “You spaced out there. Started sniffing and the likes. You have a cold or something?”

“I don’t think vampires get sick,” Richard said exasperatedly.

“Dead man’s blood.”

“What?”

“So,” the other man said loudly, looking at a place somewhere above Richard’s left ear, “How did this happen to you anyway?”


*


“…And then I woke up in a Canary Wharf dumpster three days later.”

“Wow,” the white-clad man said. “That’s wild.”

“You’ve no idea,” Richard said, tugging at the ends of his hair in hopes of relieving the strain building behind his eyes. “My ex-wife is going to kill me.”

“Unless she’s got one very large meat cleaver hanging around the kitchen, I think you’ll be okay,” the younger man said, resting a bare hand on Richard’s arm.

The touch jarred Richard, sending excruciating jolts of electricity hurtling through his body. He looked down at the hand on his arm, hyperaware of the contrast of warm, live fingers against his cold, lifeless skin. He looked back up, meeting the other man dead in the eye.

“Not good,” the younger man said, whilst carefully withdrawing his hand.

He didn’t even have time to scream.


*


“I can’t believe you ate the Stig!” Jeremy shouted, if not a bit gleefully. “You are going to be in so much trouble!”

“I didn’t eat the Stig!” Richard exclaimed defensively. “I sired him!”

Jeremy gagged. “Look here, Richard. I don’t need to hear about your raunchy homosexualist escapades with our tame racing driver! Stop trying to impose your alternate lifestyle on me!”

“You imbecile,” James said. “That’s not what sired means.”

“And you would know, Mr Vampire Enthusiast Extraordinaire.”

James grimaced. “It’s common knowledge, Clarkson, for goodness sake. To sire is to father or to bring into life.”

“I can’t believe we’re actually having this conversation,” Richard groaned, rocking back on his heels.

“And I can’t believe you ate the Stig!”

“You’ve already said,” Richard said flatly.

“I think it merits a reiteration, don’t you?” Jeremy said snidely, and jabbed a finger towards the ground.

On the floor, there lay a man in mostly white coveralls. This was no ordinary man in mostly white coveralls; in fact, he was quite the antithesis of normal. He was very much deceased.

“He’ll wake up in a couple days,” Richard muttered.

“You better hope,” Jeremy grunted, pointing his finger now at the shorter man.

A queasy, hesitant smile tugged at Richard’s stained mouth.


*


(a couple days later...)

(on a Thursday to be precise...)

(also, it was dark and dreary…)

(in case you were wondering, it adds to the atmosphere…)



“I thought dead bodies were supposed to smell.”

“Well, technically he’s not dead.”

Jeremy stared. “I’d classify drained of blood as being dead.”

“Be quiet!” James barked. “Look!”

Richard looked over the sofa. Jeremy had fireman-carried the Stig into their trailer and laid him on the sofa and draped a cosy afghan over his lean frame, “in case he gets cold during the night!” And there, on the cushions, the white-clad man had begun to stir. Jeremy went in for a closer look, James pulled him back, and Richard pretended to hold his breath.

“This is so exciting!” Jeremy whispered loudly.

“Shush!”

The tame racing driver opened his eyes.

“He’s alive!” Jeremy crowed. “I mean… he’s living undeadly!”

“Shut up!”

Jeremy scowled at James. “What gives you the right?”

“Ugh.”

Jeremy let out an undignified scream, widened eyes trained on the sofa. “My God, Hammond, you’ve turned him into a zombie!”

Richard rolled his eyes. “He’s not a zombie.”

Jeremy eyed the slowly waking Stig. “Even so,” he said, and edged behind James, whilst surreptitiously glancing around for blunt objects.

Meanwhile, Richard was a bit taken back at the sight of his creation, a rumpled, slightly bloodied, somewhat smelly former human being. It as the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, apart from his children and his ex-wife on their wedding day and the Veyron and the DB9 and the way the sun breaks through the clouds after a violent storm, and perhaps the Stig reborn wasn’t the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, but it was pretty fucking close.

Richard walked over the sofa and leaned over. “Give you a hand up?”

The white-clad man glared. “I don’t want your anything. I’m very upset with you right now!”

“Denied!” Jeremy stage-whispered, from the other side of the trailer.

“But…” Richard looked down at his creation with large, heartbroken eyes. “But I thought we were mates.”

“We’re not that close,” the driver snapped back. “I mean, sure, we go out for a pint every now and again, and there was that one time at last year’s Christmas party, but still…”

“Just think of it this way,” Jeremy said with a wide, wide grin, “You’ve all of eternity to get to know each other.”

The helmetless Stig blinked up at Jeremy, and then looked at Richard, who had knelt down beside the sofa. “I want you to know that I’m going to continue to be very upset with you for at least the next fifty years. Is this understood?”

Richard nodded, a genuine smile threatening to break his face in half. “And after that, can our love last forever?”

The driver shrugged. “I guess. Why not?”

“Brilliant!” Richard whooped and proceeded to throw himself onto the younger man and snog him senseless, not that the other man minded too much, as Richard ran his cold hands through the man’s short brown hair. They wrapped their arms around each other then, and sank into a passionate embrace.

James blanched and shifted his gaze onto anything and anywhere that wasn’t the two writhing figures on the sofa. “This is really awkward.”

“But it’s like I just can’t look away,” Jeremy said, sounding hypnotised.

“That’s because you’re a closeted homosexual.”

“But they’re sparkling, May!”

“Really?” James risked a quick glimpse. And he was fairly certain, the millisecond that it took to look, that it wasn’t sparkling that he had just seen.


*


“I don’t get it,” Jeremy commented one dark and rainy afternoon some time after that day, whilst watching Hammond and Stig share between them a small plastic packet snitched from the local blood bank.

“What’s not to get?” James asked, turning to his friend.

“Why’d Hammond choose the Stig? He’s a right twat.”

“You may be calling the kettle black there, Clarkson.”

Jeremy frowned, more than a little disturbed by the way the two younger men cuddled around each other. He turned away. “For your information, I’m the nicest person I know.”

James smiled consolingly and patted Jeremy on the shoulder. “That’s because everyone thinks you’re a twat.”

“Whatever,” Jeremy mumbled.

They fell silent, watching the bizarre exchanges between the Stig and Richard unfold; the racing driver offered the last of the blood packet to Richard, Richard rewarding the man with a lapful of himself. Soon enough, they were sparkling. Again.

“God, this is worse than a melodramatic, overhyped, overwritten vampire novel written specially for the teenaged audience,” grumbled Jeremy.

“Tell me about it,” James replied, shoving his hands into his pockets.

Jeremy looked over at James. “I just did.”

James shook his head and walked away.


(the end…)

(or is it…?)



 
 
Current Location: Bakers
Current Music: Nemo Egg - Thomas Newman; Finding Nemo
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
lastinthebox: Stig gasses uplastinthebox on October 27th, 2008 02:06 am (UTC)
Hehe, thanks! I'm glad Stig was somewhat believable...
Rustyelvishrust on October 27th, 2008 02:22 am (UTC)
*purrs softly* Very sexy and sparkly! I liked it!

Haha...do I smell a jab at the Twilight series???
lastinthebox: Stig gasses uplastinthebox on October 27th, 2008 04:26 am (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it! :)

And I think the prompt I took was a jab at the Twilight series, dontcha think? :P No disrespect...
Rusty: norwegian voodooelvishrust on October 27th, 2008 07:35 am (UTC)
No disrespect... Haven't gotten around to reading it yet. I'll get to it eventually. Maybe.

Sparkley makes everything better, though!
amy_wolfwolfy_writing on October 27th, 2008 02:58 am (UTC)
“And then she sparkled like the sun, and she took me into her arms, and she told me our love would last forever, and then I woke up three days later in a dumpster in Canary Wharf,”

Aw, Richard! I think we've all had weekends like that.'

“Word on the street’s that you’re a vampire now.”

“Word on the street meaning Jeremy,” Richard said.


Aw, Jeremy would totally run around going "Hamster's a vampire! Hamster's a vampire!"


“I don’t think vampires get sick,” Richard said exasperatedly.

“Dead man’s blood.”

“What?”


For a moment, I was expecting the startling reveal that the Stig was, in fact, Dean Winchester!

“I can’t believe you ate the Stig!” Jeremy shouted, if not a bit gleefully. “You are going to be in so much trouble!”

He ate the Stig! Richard ate the Stig! You are awesome!

“I want you to know that I’m going to continue to be very upset with you for at least the next fifty years. Is this understood?”

Richard nodded, a genuine smile threatening to break his face in half. “And after that, can our love last forever?”


This is simultaneously weirdly adorable and brilliantly insane!

You rock!

Edited at 2008-10-27 02:58 am (UTC)
lastinthebox: Stig gasses uplastinthebox on October 27th, 2008 04:30 am (UTC)
For a moment, I was expecting the startling reveal that the Stig was, in fact, Dean Winchester!

That needs to be ficced right now, like nobody's business! And it's funny - I wrote that, then thought about it, and I was like WHOA UNINTENTIONAL SPN REF~!

Well, I'm glad you liked this! And btw, I want to tell you I love your TG fics. :)
Captain LeBubbles, Space Piratecaptlebubbles on October 27th, 2008 03:20 am (UTC)
I love you. Hopefully this'll make people want to jump on the prompts at the exchange for the next two days.
lastinthebox: Stig gasses uplastinthebox on October 27th, 2008 04:32 am (UTC)
It was so much fun to write that I now want another prompt hehe! Want to give me a Stig/Richard one? ;D

Oh, btw, I linked to the ficfest in the A/N. I hope that's kosher. :)
Captain LeBubbles, Space Pirate: stiggycaptlebubbles on October 27th, 2008 05:19 am (UTC)
Pimpage is not only accepted but it is encouraged. Also, feel free to take another prompt for the exchange. You are by no means limited to one. (And you can interpret them as Stig/Richard if you like.

Also, as you seem to like Stig pairings, you should write many many more of them. Because Stiggy doesn't get enough love.
Teddy: thumbs uplover_li on October 27th, 2008 07:24 am (UTC)
Hehe Twilight jabjab!
A very entertaining piece! ;)
lastinthebox: Stig and an Audilastinthebox on October 27th, 2008 12:24 pm (UTC)
Hehe, thanks! :)
elfwhistletree: jezza innocent!elfwhistletree on October 27th, 2008 08:02 am (UTC)
This is very inventive and very funny :-)

I love how your Jezza is so keen to offer useless opinions - that seems very much in character. And James is just resigned to the whole thing. If there is a sequel, I'd like to request moar James/Jeremy ♥
lastinthebox: Stig gasses uplastinthebox on October 27th, 2008 12:25 pm (UTC)
Thanks! This was my first TG fic so I'm glad it worked out alright!

And I gotta say, useless!Jeremy was the most fun to write. And more James/Jeremy, you say? I agree. :)
tgveyrontgveyron on October 27th, 2008 09:00 am (UTC)
Haha, that was very witty and amusing. I liked the "scene setting" that you put in brackets - an entertaining touch. And sparkling vampires... who knew?
lastinthebox: Stig gasses uplastinthebox on October 27th, 2008 12:26 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you enjoyed it - thanks! :)
Riona: can't tear us apartrionaleonhart on October 27th, 2008 03:18 pm (UTC)
This is excellent! I love the Twilight mockery, and the Supernatural reference, and the poking fun at the Top Gear fandom's tendency to make the Stig into acknowledge the absolutely true fact that the Stig is something not quite human. (When I read 'He was from Bristol', I went 'WHAT THE HELL? THE STIG ISN'T AN ALIEN? SURELY THERE SHOULD BE A WARNING FOR THAT.' And then I scrolled up and it turned out that you had, in fact, included a warning. I should really be more thorough in reading the headers.)

Also, 'I can't believe you ate the Stig!' and '“Denied!” Jeremy stage-whispered, from the other side of the trailer' made me laugh so hard. And the first paragraph is one of the best I've ever read.
lastinthebox: Stig gasses uplastinthebox on October 27th, 2008 08:55 pm (UTC)
I have to say, your comment made me smile like a damn fool. :D

And yeah, human!Stiggy definitely warrants a warning. I'll admit breaking the alien!Stig pattern was quite fun. :P

Thanks for reviewing! Ya made my blah afternoon a little brighter. :)
Katycenea on October 28th, 2008 04:23 pm (UTC)
*g*! This was brilliant...and, oh God, I'd better go write my prompt!!
lastintheboxlastinthebox on October 28th, 2008 04:54 pm (UTC)
Hehe, thanks! :) What's your prompt?
Katycenea on October 28th, 2008 04:57 pm (UTC)
Something to do with werewolves and 'on fire'-ness! I'm going to give it some thought tonight :)
lastinthebox: John and Paullastinthebox on October 28th, 2008 04:58 pm (UTC)
Sounds like it's going to be interesting. :P Can't wait to read it!